Typically, we endure years of discomfort in order to avoid just one scary moment.
I spent nearly 4 years as a full-time nomad, during which I traveled the world, solo. During these travels, I was often told that I was courageous.
cou·ra·geous
/kəˈrājəs/ adjective
Undeterred by danger. To experience fear and take action anyway.
I would respond with a ‘thanks‘ because I wasn’t sure what else to say. My life doesn’t usually occur as ‘courageous’ to me , it’s just – my life. So my first inclination would be to blow off the sentiment. However, when pointed out by a new connection I was reminded that it full-time solo travel really is courageous.
Along the road to building the life of my dreams I encountered a lot of anxiety, fear and worry.
When I reflect back on the years I built and lived my nomadic life I can identify plenty of risks and fears.
There were the obvious safety risks of traveling by myself, staying in other people’s homes, and navigating spaces where being gay in an interracial relationship wasn’t super welcomed. There were risks to my relationships and health too.
Then there were the risks I took with my lifestyle security. I went from being a home owner to a landlord, eventually selling my home and belongings save a 5×10 storage unit. I took on maintaining and growing a consulting business in the mid 2010’s long before zoom was normalized. During my final year of travel I decided to barter for 100% of my needs which brought on a whole new set of concerns, fears and anxiety.
Each time I chose to go deeper into nomadic life I would psych myself out, obsessing and worrying about it in advance.
Would I be a good landlord?
Could I be a landlord from across the country?
What if I ran out of places to stay?
What if I couldn’t find any kindred spirits or clients?
What if I got lonely?
What if I failed?
But then, once it was actually happening, I would be totally chill. The planning part was intense, the living through it was glorious. Of course I’d always move quickly into planning the next thing, bringing back that flood of anxiety, fear, worry etc.
“The point of maximum danger is the point of minimum fear….on the other side of terror are the best things in life.”
Will Smith in a talk to a group of students.
Now, I could have stayed in the planning space, allowing the anxiety to keep me there. We do that often, don’t we? Sit in discomfort, fear or anxiety about what could happen? Avoiding the action that would give us the answer? In my case, I continuously created scenarios for my future self would be forced to stay in action because I know that most people regret the things they didn’t do, but rarely the things they did do.
How awesome would it be if we could skip the worry and fear?
In her book, What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding (a fantastic read), Kristin Newman shares this:
“I was a shy little girl and an only child, so on vacations, I was usually playing alone, too afraid to go up to the happy groups of kids and introduce myself. Finally, on one vacation, my mom asked me which I’d rather have: a vacation with no friends, or one scary moment. So I gathered up all of my courage, and swam over to the kids, and there was one scary moment . . . and then I had friends for the first time on vacation. After that, one scary moment became something I was always willing to have in exchange for the possible payoff. I became a girl who knew how to take a deep breath, suck it up, and walk into any room by herself.”
What I hear from Kristin and Will is that we have to be willing to consider the payoff – what is on the other side of the fear?
What do you secretly dream about? What is your anxiety preventing you from doing?
Perhaps it’s a professional shift – applying for a promotion or finally listing your jewelry hobby on Etsy. For some it’s more personal, upholding a boundary with a family member or signing up for the dance class.
Consider that one scary moment is all that is standing in your way.
When I find myself in this situation I find it helpful to focus on what possibilities lie on the other side. I’m a daydreamer, for me this is usually pretty easy to envision. When it’s not I’ll get curious, allow my mind to follow the crumbs and imagine what it would be like if my dream were to come true. What would it feel like to experience ease and peace around the family member that I need to set a boundary with? What would it feel like to know that my work is available on Etsy? The reality is, I’ll never know for sure unless I take action.
You are strong. You are courageous. You can get through that one scary moment.
